In light of a recent article I read (found here), I decided that I need to write out some things to help myself process. In this article, a Texas judge was quoted saying: "You don’t spank children today. In the old days, maybe we got spanked, but there was a different quarrel. You don’t spank children. You understand?" This was after a woman was sentenced to five years of probation, on top of fines and parenting classes. For spanking her child.
This article has been wildly debated and has people around the country talking about what is and isn't okay when it comes to parenting and discipline. I think it is wonderful to open up dialogue about this heavily debated topic. And it's hard to really understand the meaning behind this case without having all of the details. I have got to consider the probability that there were previous incidents involved, and that this woman violated some other laws with respect to her children. Perhaps a history of violence? Or drug abuse? Or even neglect? We just don't know. But for my own sanity, I HAVE to believe that she is not just like me - a loving mommy who occasionally uses spanking as a means of correction and discipline to guide and teach my children.
I have had many of heated debates with my own mother with regard to this very topic. Even though my siblings and I were all spanked growing up, she does not agree with it now. She fears that it will cause my children to be more violent and believes that it sends them mixed messages. And more than anything, I'm sure she just hates seeing or hearing her precious little grandchildren cry. And as their mother...I can attest that I DO TOO! When they hurt, I hurt!
I don't discipline my children because I WANT to. I do it because I HAVE to. As their parents, it's our job to train them up in righteousness...to teach them right from wrong. Let's face it - these little stinkers come into this world with a bent toward destruction. Think about it...no one has to teach them how to be selfish...they just are. They don't have to learn how to bite, hit, or throw tantrums (though some of these CAN very much be learned behaviors). No one teaches them how to wander off and get lost or how to lie. It's just ingrained within them. Really...it's ingrained in us all...and it's called sin.
But as we grow and develop, we learn how to reign it in. Well...most of us do. But we don't learn it on our own...character has to be developed, modeled, and taught. And I would be foolish to sit here and claim that there is only one way to do that! Just look at the parenting section in any book store and you'll find a gazillion different methods, most promising the same thing - well-behaved, respectable children. If good behavior is all you're after, then perhaps any of these books would be helpful. But if you're like me and desire true HEART change from your children, then we have to consider how we're going about things.
So many of today's methods (time-outs, removing privileges, re-direction, positive reinforcement, sticker charts, etc) aim at controlling our child's behavior, rather than targeting their heart. Don't get me wrong...in just three short years of my son's life, I have absolutely used each and every discipline tactic known to man...I'm sure of it! Haha! But what seems to work for us one day completely fails the next and what works for a few months typically ends up fading after awhile. So I am still very much in this whole trying-to-figure-out-what-is-best-for-us thing! :)
Before I share what HAS been working for us, I'd like to point out something that often drives me crazy. The whole purpose of my writing is to discuss methods of DISCIPLINE. I think many people in this world misunderstand what this word means, as I often hear parents talking about PUNISHING their children. There is a difference. It may be subtle...but it's there. Consider both of the definitions:
dis·ci·pline
–verb (used with object)
1. to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
2. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
3. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.
pun·ish
–verb (used with object)
1. to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault: to punish a criminal.
2. to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.): to punish theft.
3. to handle severely or roughly, as in a fight.
Discipline is done out of love and pure motive...to teach and train our children. Punishment is punitive...and is done in reaction to something they have done. It is often done in anger and as a means of revenge or getting even...getting a sense of justice, if you will. As parents, our job is NOT to punish our children. They are still learning right from wrong and need loving guidance and discipline to help them grow in character. Punishing them will lead to resentment and anger within their hearts. Sometimes if my discipline feels like punishment (and sometimes it does) then I have to evaluate my heart and motives behind what I am doing. Is it to train and teach or to get even? I am guilty of mixing these up, but work diligently to make sure that I am doing the right thing! I can usually tell how I am doing based on how my children react to my correction. :)
One thing that has worked consistently for us throughout the past few years (when done correctly) is spanking. And I know that there are people out there, including the entire pediatric community, that disagree with this time-tested method of discipline. Perhaps it is because some people have taken it to an extreme or didn't administer the discipline correctly. Perhaps too often parents lean toward using it as punishment and angry retaliation, rather than loving correction. But when done correctly, it can provide beautiful results and be a blessing to both the parents and the children.
A few books that I have read (some in part, and some in full) and would highly recommend are: "To Train up a Child," by Michael and Debi Pearl, "Shepherding a Child's Heart," by Ted Tripp, and "Don't Make Me Count to Three," and "Heaven at Home," both by Ginger Plowman. These authors use the Bible as a starting point and base their parenting philosophies entirely from what is written in Scripture. They also give very practical advise and examples of how to use discipline in ways that honor God.
One verse from the Bible that I hold on to when I really don't feel like putting forth the effort to train my children is Proverbs 13:24 - "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." (NIV)
Because I'm a bit anal, I had to look up a few of the words in this passage to get further clarity. What does the ROD mean? Well, the Hebrew word is: shebet (pronounced shay'-bet) and literally means: rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre (much like what a shepherd would use with his sheep). So there is no mistaking what that one means! That's pretty obvious! On to the the next word: what does it mean to spare? The Hebrew word for this is: chasak (pronounced khaw-sak') and means: to withhold, restrain, hold back, keep in check, refrain. So in essence, whoever refrains from using the rod hates their children! Wow! Okay...one more word: what about discipline? The Hebrew word is: muwcar (pronounced moo-sawr') and means: discipline, chastening, correction (and Webster's defines chastening as: "to inflict suffering upon for purposes of moral improvement"). So if you love your children, you will inflict suffering upon them for purposes of moral improvement!
Now that sounds harsh, doesn't it? I first cringed when I read that! But think about it...which is worse: the temporary stinging pain from a spanking or the pain that comes from living a life of self-destruction. I think we'd all agree that the latter is much more painful in the long-run. This is not to say that if a child does not receive spankings that he/she will pay the price later in life. Though if parents are not diligent in their discipline, their children WILL likely suffer tremendous consequences later in life. Remember...character is not natural...it has to be taught, modeled, and developed. Also, all children are different. What works well for one, just may not work for another. Some children are more strong-willed, while others are more compliant than the rest of their peers (is there such a thing as a compliant toddler?). Some children may respond immediately to verbal correction and need no further discipline. But in my experience, most children require quite a bit more.
I want to encourage parents to pray and ask God what He would change about how you're doing things! Ask Him for wisdom in the matter. And guess what...He'll give it to you! He is a Father, after all. :) He wants YOU to be the best parents for your children and will bless you as you seek Him for answers. This whole parenting thing can be quite confusing at times. I'll be the first to admit that I have gone back and forth about so many different issues and oftentimes felt like giving up. But ultimately, I have to go to the only One who can truly help me! Praise GOD that He doesn't just leave us stranded on this journey!! :) He will give you the strength and wisdom you need to train up and discipline your children! Just ask! :)
