This post is in response to a thoughtful comment on my previous post on discipline. Please view the comments on that post to better understand this post. :)
Hi there, Maria. I appreciate you taking the time to engage in discussion on here. :) It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into these issues as well. I would like to first address one thing you wrote: "A child does not always have to obey me. They have to learn to respect, to honor and love. But obeying usually does not encourage a person to question the others actions. Which would not be what I would like my children to do. They should question what version of life I present and the example I set for them. Otherwise they are not able to find their path in life."
In regard to this parenting philosophy, we differ. And this would likely be the basis for any other arguments for or against using spanking as a method of discipline. We are actually training our children to develop unwavering obedience to us, their parents. Where did we come up with this idea? As followers of Christ, we have chosen to live our lives according to the Word of God (the Bible) and take what is written within to heart. You will see this in all areas of our lives...including the ways in which we have decided to raise our children. There is actually quite a bit of wisdom throughout Scripture that applies to parenting, and one example is a commandment given directly to children. Ephesians 6:1-3 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise - 'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." The Greek word for "obey" is "hupakouo" and it means to listen, to harken, to submit to, or to harken to a command. God is telling children to obey their parents. And as their parents, we are encouraged throughout Scripture to teach and train them to do so.
That said, I also encourage my children to be free-thinkers and feelers. They have permission to question us, but not before immediate obedience. This is of upmost importance...especially with young children. If I do not teach my children to obey my instruction without delay, their lives would be in danger CONSTANTLY. A very literal example of this would be if my son is running toward a busy street, and I yell, "Stop! Come back to mommy!" but he has not been trained to listen and obey, then he may run right into the street and get hit by a car. I cannot tell you how many times their quick obedience has already saved their precious little lives. How did I teach them this? Through loving use of "the rod." :) Could other methods have been effective? Perhaps. Though I will say that I have a few friends who have adopted no-spanking policies with their own children, and are struggling to keep them in line. When you have a 2-year-old who doesn't understand what it means to obey, you are in a world of trouble (and stress). I've had two 2-year-olds so far, and BOTH of them have understood that when mommy says "no" or "come here" that she means right away, without delay. It has been a blessing for all of us! My son, who is 3 and a half, questions us CONSTANTLY. And he does this because we encourage him to think through why we are asking him to obey in certain situations. Through all of his questioning, he is learning that mommy and daddy love and care for him more than anyone else in this world and that we know what is best for him and are committed to teaching him those things.
You also asked: "Do you want your children to be afraid of you or do you want them to follow your example? If you want the latter how should they learn to solve their conflicts if your conflicts with them are solved by spanking?" Our conflicts are not solved by spanking. Their disobedience is disciplined/corrected by spanking. There is a difference here. They do need to learn that disobedience (to us and ultimately to the Lord) does have consequences. When we have a conflict, we always talk things through. We are always encouraging them to "use their words." They know perfectly well that spanking is not used as a reaction to hurting our feelings or disappointing us or any other type of conflict. But rather, it is used as a means to administer a real consequence for disobedience. We are teaching them that their actions have consequences.
"The last thing I would like to ask is weather you would like other people than yourself to spank your child? Most likely the answer will be no." You are correct. :) The job of raising and training up children is supposed to be that of the parents. Sadly, so many parents in this day and age have given up or allowed day cares, schools, churches, etc. to raise their children for them. While it is tempting for me to escape the enormous responsibility (and calling) that has been placed before me, I know that God will give me the strength I need to do what He has asked me to do! :)
That said, I also encourage my children to be free-thinkers and feelers. They have permission to question us, but not before immediate obedience. This is of upmost importance...especially with young children. If I do not teach my children to obey my instruction without delay, their lives would be in danger CONSTANTLY. A very literal example of this would be if my son is running toward a busy street, and I yell, "Stop! Come back to mommy!" but he has not been trained to listen and obey, then he may run right into the street and get hit by a car. I cannot tell you how many times their quick obedience has already saved their precious little lives. How did I teach them this? Through loving use of "the rod." :) Could other methods have been effective? Perhaps. Though I will say that I have a few friends who have adopted no-spanking policies with their own children, and are struggling to keep them in line. When you have a 2-year-old who doesn't understand what it means to obey, you are in a world of trouble (and stress). I've had two 2-year-olds so far, and BOTH of them have understood that when mommy says "no" or "come here" that she means right away, without delay. It has been a blessing for all of us! My son, who is 3 and a half, questions us CONSTANTLY. And he does this because we encourage him to think through why we are asking him to obey in certain situations. Through all of his questioning, he is learning that mommy and daddy love and care for him more than anyone else in this world and that we know what is best for him and are committed to teaching him those things.
You also asked: "Do you want your children to be afraid of you or do you want them to follow your example? If you want the latter how should they learn to solve their conflicts if your conflicts with them are solved by spanking?" Our conflicts are not solved by spanking. Their disobedience is disciplined/corrected by spanking. There is a difference here. They do need to learn that disobedience (to us and ultimately to the Lord) does have consequences. When we have a conflict, we always talk things through. We are always encouraging them to "use their words." They know perfectly well that spanking is not used as a reaction to hurting our feelings or disappointing us or any other type of conflict. But rather, it is used as a means to administer a real consequence for disobedience. We are teaching them that their actions have consequences.
"The last thing I would like to ask is weather you would like other people than yourself to spank your child? Most likely the answer will be no." You are correct. :) The job of raising and training up children is supposed to be that of the parents. Sadly, so many parents in this day and age have given up or allowed day cares, schools, churches, etc. to raise their children for them. While it is tempting for me to escape the enormous responsibility (and calling) that has been placed before me, I know that God will give me the strength I need to do what He has asked me to do! :)
So basically, we simply have a different worldview. Everything we do (or at least try to do) is based off of Scripture. If someone does not live by these same standards, then it is reasonable to expect differences in opinions and methods of parenting. :) I hope all of this makes sense!! :) I would love to know where you have developed your philosophy on parenting as well! I just have not found a better teacher and guide than God Himself. :) But I am also a student and always learning new things! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post! :) I LOVE it, as it encourages me to think more deeply about why I'm doing what I'm doing!! :)
Hello Leslie!
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a lenghty response to your post but it was too long for the comments section -oy! Right now I am trying to email you. But I wanted to thank you for your answer quickly :)
Have a great 4th of July!
Maria