Book Review - "Have a New Kid by Friday"

Have a New Kid by Friday, by Dr. Kevin Leman

 

I am really struggling to figure out what to write about this book. I really felt that it lacked substance, as there was a lot of "fluff" to it (like pulled quotes on almost every page, an excessive number of stories to illustrate a point, and a lot of testimonials at the end of each chapter). His points were all quite simple, and went as follows:

Monday

"Say it once. Turn your back. Walk away."

Tuesday

"It's all about the ABCs: Attitude, Behavior, and Character." He also wrote about letting reality be the teacher, learning to respond rather than react to situations, and "B doesn't happen until A is completed."

Wednesday

This chapter had us look into what kind of parent we are (permissive, authoritarian, or authoritative/responsible), and encouraged us to focus on our relationship with our kiddos.

Thursday

He wrote about the difference between self-esteem and self-worth, and zeroed in on the 3 pillars of self-worth: Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence. We were encouraged to move from praising our children (which focuses on how "good" a person is) toward encouraging them (which focuses on their actions). Definitely good reminders of things I've heard before, and have already been practicing.

Friday

Basically, this was a review chapter and encourages the reader to diagnose their problem and then set up an action plan and go for it. He also reminds us of the importance of consistency in parenting.

Ask Dr. Leman

The rest of the book is comprised of an A-Z index of problem behaviors/issues and his advice on how to handle them. I would say that probably 90% of the topics were geared toward older children, and not really all that helpful for those dealing with toddlers.

My Overview

So...while I didn't really feel like the book was all that helpful for me, I can see how it could be life-changing for some parents who have let things get way out of control. And based on the stories we see in the news, as well as from shows like Super Nanny, my guess is that this could probably help a lot of today's parents! I began reading it, feeling helpless to change the behavior of my toddlers. But most of his ideas and principles really don't work with toddlers.

I did, however, come away with two important things: First...I came to the realization that in my case, with my children, most of their issues were a direct result of me not being present. Sometimes physically...and other times mentally/emotionally (thus my Great Behavior Experiment, of which I am nearing the end). The other thing I came to realize is that my kids really aren't THAT bad. They are toddlers. And their behavior is pretty much in line with where they are developmentally.

I did not agree with all of Dr. Leman's methods either. For example, he would suggest that I tell my child to do something once (which I do agree with, by the way), but then simply walk away. If the child does not do what you told him to do, then later in the day, when he asks to do something, Dr. Leman recommends simply saying, "Nope. I don't want to," and then walk away without further explanation. He feels that it's important for the child to figure out for himself why mommy didn't do what he wanted. I personally will not adopt this method of dealing with my children, as I feel that it is rude and doing to them the very thing that they did to me. I prefer to "do unto others as I would have them do unto me."

He did have some okay suggestions for dealing with kiddos who are struggling to share a toy, like taking the toy away and then saying, "When you're ready to share, let me know." But I believe that he takes it a step too far, suggesting:

"To reinforce the concept, later that day you can sit down with an aromatic bowl of popcorn. When your son comes up and asks for some, simply say, 'No, I'm not sharing my popcorn tonight. I don't feel like it.' You are not being mean. You have a level tone. Then you explain the importance of sharing and how you felt about what happened earlier that day. 'We're all part of one family, and we share things. But if you choose not to share, I can choose not to share.'"

This advice is just absolutely absurd to me. Several paragraphs earlier, he wrote, "Young children will not share unless sharing is modeled for them." Hello!?! Rather than NOT sharing my popcorn, I'd prefer to joyfully share some with them, modeling the very behavior I'd hope for.

Overall, I'd rate this book as...okay. I'm giving it 2 out of 5 stars. Not spectacular, but not horrible either. I'd read it with a critical mind, if at all. And really, there is not much more substance to the book than what has been written in this review. So I'd save your money and find another book (if you're a parent of toddlers looking for help). If, however, you are a parent with school-aged children who are running your house and are totally at your wits end, then you may find this book extremely helpful.