The Isolation of Mommyhood

I just got off the phone with a wonderful friend of mine, who is also a stay-at-home mom. She was sharing with me how she has realized that one of the biggest struggles with being a mommy has been loneliness.

Being a mom and staying at home with your children can be one of the loneliest, isolating jobs out there. We spend our days caring for, entertaining, teaching, nurturing, training, correcting, protecting, and just being with our children. Words cannot even begin to describe how exhausting this job really is. And for much of it, we are alone. Just me and the kids. And it can truly be maddening.

I have tried to put some things in place to help with the isolation. One of my favorite ways to avoid isolation is by planning playdates with other mommies who have children at home. It's a win-win...the kids get some wonderful social interaction with other youngsters, and the mommies get to enjoy some adult conversation (albeit completely broken and interrupted by the nearly constant supervision of our children). But still...it just feels good to be in the company of others!

Another way to break the isolation is to take the kiddos out to places where there will likely be other kids...to parks, library story times, the children's museum, or the zoo for example. I may even go by myself to such places, but almost every time there is always at least one other mommy who is there alone as well. It's an opportunity to meet someone new and connect over our children. I will warn, though, that this can sometimes backfire and actually lead me to feel even more isolated when I go and seem to be the ONLY mommy there without a friend.

If you live in a neighborhood, it's always great to get out and take the kids on walks, too. In our experiences, we have been so blessed with wonderful neighbors. But we wouldn't know that unless we actually spent time outside, getting to know them! We happen to live in a neighborhood with LOTS of young children right now....and LOVE it. Just by simply getting outside (when the weather lends itself to that) can really help me feel less isolated and lonely.

One last way that I have tried to avoid isolation is one that I am still trying to sort out. I have maintained connections with LOTS of mommy friends through online forums and now mainly through Facebook. I believe that my interaction (although almost entirely virtual, online) has served as a life-saver for me at times. I have received SO much comfort and support from women whom I've never even met in real life. These women have walked through some truly challenging times in my life...and we all continue to support each other as we stumble through this journey called parenthood.

As I have spent time over the past week turning off my computer and being away from Facebook, it has really given me some time to think about things. I have been a pretty crappy friend to my real-life friends lately...not putting as much effort into building and maintaining those relationships. Why? Because I have so many other women who I am staying connected to online! What if I spent just as much time really delving deeper into the relationships that I have in real life? What kind of rich friendship am I missing from spending too much time online? And while all of my online mommy friends have meant the world to me...do they really KNOW me? And do I really KNOW them? Because isn't that one of all of our deepest desires...to know and be known...to love and be loved?

I do believe that there is a place for online support. But in this day and age, I feel like we are all moving more toward very surface-level, partially known, distanced relationships...all the while avoiding the truest (and most vulnerable) form of friendship that is available to us. And perhaps I am totally off here. But I know that at least for myself, I am struggling to find that beautiful thing called balance in my life. And right now, it's WAY off. I'm not planning to give up contact with all of my absolutely wonderful mommy friends whom I've met online. I've been connected for way too long now...and I've truly grown to love them. But I guess what I'm saying is that I need to spend more time and energy focusing on my real-life relationships and less time on staying connected to those whom I may never even meet in real life.

Wow...that was a tangent that I totally did not intend to take! :) But I guess that's what my mind begins to think about as I question why I still feel so isolated...even with all of my virtual friends. Maybe it's because I just need a hug...a real one...from someone who really knows me. Maybe all of us mommies who are feeling lonely and isolated could really just use one or two really good mommy friends who will just sit with us when we need to cry...someone who will listen to our struggles, and cry with us. I know I do.