I have a confession: Many more times than I care to say, I have spoken harshly toward my children. When my patience has run thin, rather than turning to the Lord for help and strength, I tend to grow in frustration and allow that frustration to seethe within my spirit. The result is an unloving, ill-tempered mommy who finds herself at her wits end.
I'm sharing this for a couple of reasons. First, to expose an area of my life that I desperately need help with. And second, to encourage anyone else who may also struggle with this to join me in crying out to God for help to change.
I have been devouring a wonderful book (Heaven at Home, by Ginger Plowman) over the past two weeks. SO many things have really helped to open my eyes and heart to things I didn't realize or things I hadn't thought of before. I will be writing a full review once I finish the book. But one thing that really woke me up last night was this:
"To scold is to demonstrate a lack of self-control by verbally lashing out with an aggressive, boisterous tone of voice. We should make every effort to avoid scolding our children. Scolding is an angry response and always represents an unrighteous attitude, a loss of temper, and a lack of self-control. Biblical communication reflects control of temper and carefully measured words spoken in a normal tone of voice. Speaking harshly can provoke your child to anger and cause him to resent rather than repent. We are warned in James 1:19, 'For man's anger will not bring about the righteous life that God desires.'" (emphasis mine)
I am especially struck by this because I have seen how my harsh tone of voice has provoked my children to anger and resentment. My problem with them isn't them at all...it's me. I feel SO helpless to change sometimes. But God how I want to! I hate what these "little mirrors" are reflecting back to me. It's ugly...it's sin. And it's this sin of mine that is provoking them to sin. It just seems so out of control and that makes me feel weary, overwhelmed, and quite desperate.
But rather than running and hiding from this painful reality that I'm facing, I am going to run straight to the only One who can help.
Lord, hear my cries! This mommy is tired and broken. I have grown in frustration and allowed anger to spew out of me. I have spoken harshly to my precious children - provoking them to anger and resentment. God - I hate what I am seeing in them. And my heart is breaking as I realize that they are just reflecting back what they are seeing and hearing from me. God, I need You. I am a hopeless mess. Help me to be the woman...the daughter...the wife...the sister...the friend...the mommy - that You've created me to be. May I experience You and Your love for me in such a way that it changes every bit of my being. Lord, draw me closer to You...and teach me. I want to honor You with my life. Search me and know my heart. And have it, Lord. Take this sinful heart and make it new. I need You...I need Your power. Thank You for never leaving me. Thank You for always loving me. You are SO good to me. I can't wait to bring You glory through this change that You are going to bring about in my life. Thank You.
Leslie, you know what? Reading this post makes me feel like we are close friends, because you opened MY heart and wrote about it. I know you didn't know you did that, but you did! :)
ReplyDeleteBOY do I struggle with anger and do plenty of scolding, and SEE it and loathe it and feel incapable of changing the cycle, ugh. I have had "Heaven at Home" next to my pillow since Samuel was born, but I have only got a few chapters in because I just fall into bed once I get near my pillow! ;) I guess I should move the book somewhere more useful and I might get it read!
I read your prayer at the end from my heart to God. I can't believe how identical my heart is to yours on this one. I *SO* want to change!!! Thanks so much for the honesty in this post and for sharing. I love your heart!