Our entire day is filled with this angry little boy who spews rudeness all over the place. "I don't WANT you!" or "Don't look at ME!" are staple phrases. He makes threats all day long: "I'm gonna throw this at you!" or "I'm gonna hit Naomi." or "I'm gonna spit at you!" His tone is mean, his brows furrowed. I try different things on different days to combat this angry little thing.
Sometimes I'll try humor...whether making jokes or tickling. I can usually get a quick smile out of him and even some forced laughter with the tickles. But I pay for it, because it only ticks him off even more. He comes out of the laughter with even harsher words and brashness.
I have tried ignoring it altogether. And all that does is make it escalate. If I pretend to not hear him, he yells even louder. I have also used a removal tactic. If he can't get himself together, I can't trust him around his sister or me or the dog. So he spends some alone time up in his room. He has plenty of books to read up there and usually throws complete tantrums before finally calming down to read by himself. I usually give him anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes of alone time when things are pretty bad. And tell him that I'll wait until he calms himself down before I let him come out.
I have used vinegar water in his mouth...reminding him the importance of cleaning out his mouth. He hates this method and ends up smelling like vinegar all day long. But it still does not deter him from letting his anger and rage torment our family. We have used other discipline methods, such as redirection, time-outs, spanking, and removing privileges. So far, we haven't found anything that has really worked to curb his negativity.
I spend lots of time praying over this child. I rebuke the spirit of anger that is covering him. I pray for peace and for love to cover his heart...fill him up...and overflow. But the problem is that he is perpetually over-tired....exhausted from not getting enough sleep at night. He is also ALWAYS hungry. Combine the two...and he is a MONSTER of a child. Unless he is being entertained. Then...he seems to forget about his "act" and seems quite enjoyable. He also has good days, when he is well rested and well fed...but those are few and far between right now.
I just don't know how to deal with the constant negativity from him. It really starts to wear on me after a few days of it. I just can't win. And I'm exhausted too! I confess that his negativity wears me down to the point of responding in anger myself. He pushes and pushes until I explode at him. Again, some days are better than others. But I spend most of my days, putting my hands up in the air and asking him, "WHY?" And then asking the Lord..."What is WRONG with my child?" Surely this can't be normal. Do all families deal with this? How are there not lines of people awaiting admittance to the insane asylums? ;) I feel like I'm about to go crazy!
When the day seems to be going especially difficult with many challenges, I will often resort to using the television. He enjoys it, doesn't yell at it, and it keeps him quietly engaged for 30 minutes at a time. But I am begging to know and hoping to find other answers to this challenging behavior. I am currently reading through TWO books on strong-willed children, and am fully expecting to gain some wisdom from these books. But he is more than strong-willed...he is ANGRY, moody, and just down right MEAN. And this mommy knows what it is to be strong-willed. But these constant attacks of anger and aggression are really throwing me for a loop here.
In the meantime, I will continue praying for him and for his little heart. I will continue to rebuke that spirit of anger in the name of Jesus (for all of us). And I will continue praying for wisdom to know what to do next. May I respond always in loving kindness...with a gentle heart toward him...regardless of how he treats me. May I be consistent in whatever I choose to do with him. And may I honor God in this important role that I have! I wish that I felt like I was on top of my game right now...but honestly, I just feel like I'm enduring this difficult season. It can't always be like this...it WILL get better, right? God I hope so!
This is my exact experience with Arthur and Matthew, Leslie. And it has been going on for years! I feel that it's because I was not firm or consistent enough with their discipline early on, but I don't really know. I'm guessing, and I'm TIRED of it. I started out trying to respond appropriately. Now I am torn in so many directions that I am out of patience 98% of the time, and they get anger from me right back - which perpetuates the problem. Ugh. I have no solution yet, but I am praying. I need to fix my own anger (and DH his, too) now that it has come to this, because I guess theirs doesn't stand a chance of resolving otherwise. I do constantly wonder, "What is WRONG with them?!!!" I can't understand their behaviour, it totally makes no sense to me. Reading your post is somewhat reassuring, because someone else is there too, but saddening, because... someone else is there too! I wish I had advice for you! If I ever figure it out I will definitely pass it on (please do the same if you find a solution!). I'll be praying for you and Isaac too!
ReplyDeleteOy, girls! I thought I was the only one with a spirited, difficult child. My other mommy friends just don't understand. I feel like they judge me or think I'm a bad, lazy parent. They say, why don't you just put him in time out!? Uhhh, I would LOVE to just put him in time out. But it doesn't work! Or did you do this or that? Or do you praise his accomplishments and good behavior? Of course I do! Before Cullen was born, I thought that this is just the way most kids are. But almost immediately after Cullen was born my eyes were OPEN! Liam is NOT your typical child. In less than a month after he was born off to the doctor we went. Tell me what's wrong with my child, please! He said I definitely have a difficult child. But time would tell if he has oppositional defiant disorder(ODD). When we got home I looked it up and that is NOT Liam. He's not a BAD kid just intense. And that is the best way I can describe him. Totally normal, does all the things every other kid does, but at an intensity that no other can comprehend. Unless, of course, you have a spirited child. He's just more of everything, intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic. This goes both ways. His intensity and passion can be a good thing too. He gets locked into things and works very hard to accomplish them. But when he gets locked into something that he wants but can't have, that's when the battle ensues. I firmly but kindly tell him he needs to listen. He needs to obey. Obey is concept he is still trying to understand. Because he's listening to me, he's just not obeying. I remind him that Jesus tells us to obey our momma and poppa. To which he shouts, NO! NO OBEY!. Finally yesterday, I asked him if he knew what obey means and he said, ummmm, obey means, time out. Ah, so that is where the confusion is. So we're still working on the concept of obey. It's hard to explain what iy means. Any ideas on how to explain that to a 3 y.o.? Leslie-which books are you reading? If it's not Raising Your Spirited Child By Kurcinka and The DIfficult Child By Turecki, I recommend those, especially the former. I haven't read either one cover to cover, just skipped around to the stuff that I thought applied to us most. But it helps to UNDERSTAND his temperament and how he feels and responds differently to things than most. I think I'm going to go through those books again because Liam has been very negative and argumentative lately. SIGH
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher, I have seen kids like this come to school with these issues or anger and intensity like you've never seen, and several of them have been diagnosed with "Intermittent Explosive Disorder." Have you read any books on this topic?
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion would be to have your son medically evaluated, or get him in to see a counselor or psychologist who can both evaluate and work with him. Yes, boys will be boys, but they are generally not this aggressive and angry unless there is something going on that can't be fixed with just consistent discipline - which it sounds like you have tried over and over. It is not your fault that this is happening, but when you have done all you can do, it is time to seek outside help, I believe.
GOOD LUCK!