Just Another Mommy

My heart is aching right now. For a few reasons. The first being that after reading several other articles on parenting toddlers, I am just humbled and saddened by how far I am missing the mark. I confess that I am NOT honoring God with my parenting right now. I will continue seeking wisdom and growing in Him, but gosh how my heart is hurting because of my ignorance. I am daily frustrated with my son's bad attitude. I keep talking to him about being filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness...you get the idea. I pray for him and with him. And yet, I am met with resistance, rudeness, anger, and hatred. And I have allowed his overwhelming negativity to eat away at me piece by piece. In my weariness, I have been an utterly poor example of love, kindness, joy...or anything like it. I have days where things go well and I don't react at all to him, but rather, consistently respond in love. But most days by mid-day, I am overwhelmed and succumb to my ugly human nature. :( And my sweet children get the brunt of it. And I wonder why he's so angry toward me? The mirror could not be more obviously pointed at myself! UGH!

I would like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Or being exhausted. Or having challenging kids. But when I take a good, hard look at it, I am broken by the fact that I am just really struggling right now. And it's all me. But I am NOT going to let this keep me down. I am going to be on my face before my God and accept the loving kindness and forgiveness that He has to offer. I am going to allow Him to heal me and teach me to be the mommy that my kiddos deserve. I am going to grow. And I have got to accept that I am not, nor will I EVER be perfect. I will continue making mistakes, but will keep getting right back up and learning from them!

Another reason why my heart is aching is because I have learned that the tone of some of my blog posts has come across differently than how it was intended. If I have come across in any way, shape, or form as sounding like I have it all together or that I'm doing everything right or that I have all the answers...then I am deeply sorry. If you know me at all, you will know that I am just another mom. No different than you, really. I have NO CLUE what I'm doing with this whole parenting thing. It is a complete and utter mystery to me. I have moments where I feel like things are going well and all is right in my little world, only to have everything come tumbling down with a day from hell. I make stupid choices with my kids and wallow in the consequences. There are days in which I feel like completely giving up...only to have the day end with a cuddly little guy who whispers "I love you, Mommy" and melts my heart.

I do not share things on this blog as an authority on any subject matter. I am IN THE TRENCHES...trying to figure it all out...just like you. I make mistakes. Lots of them. And I am trying to grow and learn through these mistakes. I love learning from others and finding new was to do things. I am intrigued by different methods and ideas regarding parenting. There are certain things that I believe to be true...but in an instant, God can come in and completely change my thinking about something. I am open to change and love the freedom to explore. More than anything, I want this to be a blog where others are blessed and encouraged by what I write. My heart is one that writes these posts sometimes tentatively, and always with humility. It would never be my intention to shame someone or embarrass them.

And as I write this, my eyes are filled with tears...crying uncontrollably, really. Because some things that I've written have been a source of pain for some...especially some who are closest to me. And words cannot begin to describe how much this breaks my heart. The whole point of this blog is to be uplifting and encouraging. I wanted to share my struggles and successes. And I wanted others to share what was working for them. I don't believe that there is just one right way to do things when it comes to parenting. What works for one may never work for another and vice versa. We are all unique and different and our children are just as diverse. It would be ridiculous to assume that there is only one way that works for every parent and their children.

I do get excited when I learn something new. And especially if it seems to be working well for us. And I'm afraid that in my excitement in what the Lord has taught me, I have come across as being an authority on the matter or being a perfect parent. GOD knows that I am FAR from it! In fact most of the time, when I am writing a post I am writing it TO MYSELF...it's what the Lord is currently dealing with within me. Whether it's about discipline, whining, obedience, etc...I am SO dealing with each of these things on a pretty regular basis. And most days, I feel pretty crummy about how I'm doing. And every now and then, God will show me something and so I share it. Not coming from a place of having done it perfectly, but rather, from a place of learning and growing myself.

Please forgive me if you have felt condemned or shamed by anything that I've written. And PLEASE know that it is no where CLOSE to where my heart is. I realize that some of the topics are difficult...even for myself...and they may bring some level of conviction and challenge you to think through things a little differently. Remember...I'm going through the same feelings myself! I'm on this journey too! And when the Lord reveals something to me and I share it, oftentimes I am having JUST as difficult of a time taking it in. I'm still processing through it all too...and I just so happen to process through writing. And therein lies the problem - while I am perfectly aware of the heart and tone behind the words I write, you (the reader) are left to assume those things. And if you have chosen to assume that I am a prideful, judgmental, know-it-all, then you could not be further from the truth.

I will be THE FIRST to admit that I am FAR from perfect. I am continually humbled by my experiences and my shortcomings. However, I AM confident in WHO I am...a beloved daughter of the King. I know that in Christ there is no condemnation, and therefore, when shame tries to knock at the walls of my heart I can readily cling to the Truth, which has set me free. I know that the innermost desire of my heart is to please God, and when I am not, my heart is filled with pain. I know that I NEED Him and He is quick to heal my pain and lift me up out of the darkness. I am also someone who may have some strong opinions...and like most people in this world, have a tendency to always think that I am right. Ha! However, I can and do quickly admit when I am wrong. I am working to be someone who cares only about what God thinks of me, but if I'm being completely honest, I still struggle from time to time with caring too much what others think of me. And when I find out that people have been assuming completely wrong things, it wreaks havoc within my heart. I wish I could take a photo that could depict who I am...what my heart is like. But since that's just not possible, I'll have to continue using words. :)

My heart is filled with nothing but love for YOU who are reading this. Yes...I may not even know you...but I love you just the same! We are on this journey together. And I like to write about my experiences. Please know my heart and try to be open minded...and I will do the same! :) And if something I write happens to rub you the wrong way...please email me or comment and let me know! And I would encourage you to ask yourself (and God) why. And again...I will do the same. :)