Sunday Secrets

The secret: Unrealistic expectations can lead to exasperation.

Something that I've come to realize lately is that as a mother, I have extremely high standards for my children. I may be what some may consider a "strict" parent. Though I sometimes I can have a more laissez-faire approach to things. In addition to high standards, I have also had extremely high expectations of them. High standards are not a problem, but unrealistic expectations are.

I have expected my toddlers to listen to what I say and joyfully obey when I ask them to do something. I have expected them to respect me and treat me with the same loving kindness that I try to model for them (though I don't even do that perfectly). I have expected them not to yell and scream during car rides and to be polite to each other at all times. I expect them to use their words, rather than whining to get what they want. So basically, I have been expecting my two and three year olds to behave and act like little adults.

So guess what happens when they don't meet a single one of these unrealistic expectations that I've laid before them? Unmet expectation usually leads to frustration and discouragement (in both parties). They feel the weight of never being able to live up to what I've expected from them, and I feel frustrated that they just aren't doing what I want. And I'm sure there is a part of them that internalizes all of this...thinking, "If I can't even please my mommy...I must be bad...and therefore I should just not even try anymore."

Ultimately, I want to teach my children to live their lives not to please ME...but rather...to please God. Though it is very clear in Scripture that God does want for children to obey their parents...so it is important for them to learn to do that as well! However, we are also warned to not exasperate our children. In other words, don't provoke them to anger. Having unrealistic expectations and allowing frustration to overcome us is a sure way to do just that!

I have to continually remind myself that they are TWO and THREE. Mere toddlers. They are impulsive, explosive, loud, obnoxious, wild, and I may like to argue quite incapable of doing half of what we expect of them. However...they are still learning. And as they continue growing and learning and being trained in righteousness (in a loving, accepting environment), then perhaps it will begin to click.

And most of what I'm even talking about has to do with outward behavior. As if it is my right or my job to control that for them! I could have completely outwardly compliant children whose hearts are so full of anger, hatred, and contempt...and their behavior would not even matter. God doesn't see what man sees...He cares more about what's on the inside (what's in their hearts). And here's the most awesome part...it's not even MY job to change their little hearts. Nope...that is something GOD is completely responsible for.

We do have very clear and specific roles as their parents. We are to train and teach them according to the Word. We are to instill within them morals...helping to teach them right from wrong. We can help to develop their character with lessons in honesty, kindness, love, compassion, giving, serving, etc. And what is the best way to do that? In my experience, those things are best taught by being modeled. If I just live my life in such a way that I would want my children to follow my example...then, in time, I'd hope that they will. But even then, they are also human and have choices.

So I am just in the process of figuring out what, exactly, I should be expecting of them at their ages. What should they be capable of? What does God want and expect from them at this age? Maybe some of my expectations are too high? Or are they okay? It is so ingrained within me to have high expectations...I do for myself and for everyone else in my life. I often have people comment on how well both of my children speak for their ages. I always just shrug and think to myself..."It's because I expect them to speak clearly and efficiently." If I had expected less of them, then perhaps they wouldn't be as verbal. I have always felt that children will live up to our expectations...if they are capable.

However, as I continue trudging through this journey, I am beginning to see that that isn't always true. Sometimes, if our expectations are just simply too high (completely unrealistic), then it will lead to feelings of failure and defeat. There is a fine line here...and I am still in the process of figuring out where to draw it. You can bet that I will be on my knees before the Lord, seeking Him for wisdom on this one. I'll let you know if I get any answers. :) Do YOU have any thoughts on this?