"Loving Our Kids On Purpose" by Danny Silk
When I do a book review, I typically like to give very specific details outlining what the book is about. For this review, I am not going to do that. Why? Because I firmly believe that this is a book that EVERY christian parent needs to own. I specify "christian" parents only because the entire basis for this book comes from the Bible, and if you haven't chosen to live according to the will of God, then half the stuff in this book wouldn't necessarily apply. The principles are still good for everyone, but it is definitely from a christian perspective. :)
That said, if you were going to read any book about parenting, I really do believe that this should be it! It has caused within us a PARADIGM shift in the way we are parenting. We came to realize that our current methods fell under an Old Testament model, rather than under the New Covenant. Without realizing it, we have been living in fear of the mistakes and sins of our children. We used to think that it was our job to control them and teach them the importance of obedience and then "discipline" them when they failed to obey. Now, we realize that more important than obedience is developing true, deep heart-to-heart connections centered in LOVE. We have begun to value the importance of giving them choices (lots of choices) and helping our children learn how to manage freedom. We have stepped away from scolding, making threats, allowing ourselves to become angry and frustrated, and laying down heavy punishment for their misbehavior. We are embracing a new practice of shared control, mutual respect, allowing them to experience real (and sometimes painful) consequences of their choices, and peace.
I cannot say enough positive things about the truths laid out within this book. It is going to completely change the life and environment within our family. There are still SO many situations in which we are trying to figure all of this out. But the atmosphere in our home is changing...from a place of frustration, control, and anger to one of peace, self-control, and love. The kids seem to be responding positively, and we are enjoying the process. Let me give you an example of this change:
Naomi was at the table eating breakfast, while Isaac was playing by himself in the playroom. He was playing with some toys that were Naomi's and began to walk toward her, saying, "Naomi...look what I'm playing with!" in a very taunting tone of voice. Previously, in exasperation, I would have angrily said, "ISAAC! What are you doing?!? You KNOW that's going to upset her. Now please go back and play by yourself." He would have scowled at me or laughed and walked away feeling angry at me. Or he could have disobeyed and been met with a rather unpleasant punishment of a leather strap to his behind. But after reading "Loving Our Kids on Purpose," the situation went like this...
Isaac: "Naomi, look what I'm playing with!"
Me: "Hey buddy...what do you think Naomi will do if you show her that you're playing with her toys?"
Isaac: "She might say, 'Hey! I want them!'"
Me: "I bet you're right. So are you going to choose to provoke her right now or go play quietly by yourself? What's the best choice?"
Isaac: "I'll go play by myself."
Me: "Great choice, buddy!"
And off he went...leaving his sister alone. And how did he feel after our interaction? Empowered. In control. Free. I helped him to realize that he had a choice, and gave him the freedom to choose how he was going to go forward. He felt good about his choice and so did I!
I'm still fumbling through this whole thing, though. One of our constant struggles is Isaac's use of potty-talk. So one morning, after hearing some words come out of his mouth, I decided he needed a choice. So I said, "Okay, Isaac...you have a choice. Do you want to keep using that potty talk or do you want to eat soap to clean out your mouth?" He sat there, thinking about his choices...and then it hit me that I messed up! LOL. Whoops! I back tracked, saying, "Do you want to keep using potty talk AND eat some soap afterward? OR would you like to clean it up by yourself?" He smiled and said, "I'll clean it up myself." Awesome.
Another example of a "whoops" moment came this morning, as Isaac was throwing toys across the room. I said, "Hey buddy...do you want to keep throwing those toys or would you like to put them away?" LOL. He answered, "Keep throwing them." I hit myself in the forehead with my hand. Haha. So I'm still learning too. It is going to take A LOT of practice and prayer to get this down pat. But I truly believe that these changes are going to improve the quality of life for our entire family for years to come! It's not going to be easy, though, as we have already established a particular way of communicating with one another. We have to change our hearts and attitudes first, before we are going to see the change in our children. But I'm ready for the challenge and excited about the fruit that these changes will bring!
I will try to write another review after a few months to give an update on how things are going at that time. But in the meantime, if you are able, PLEASE do yourself and your family a HUGE favor and go get this book! You will NOT regret it!! :)
Oh Leslie, thank you! :) Ordering. Right now. With Christmas money.
ReplyDeleteOne question though - with the first example, I've sometimes asked a similar question to one of my older two boys when they are provoking each other, and their answer is always (with a smug smile) that they choose to continue. When questioned why, they just "feel like it" or "because it's fun". I am lost for words and ideas at those answers and that's when I get angry or lay out heavy consequences, etc. Most of the time we are fighting fires of this type, where for whatever reason they are CHOOSING to be horrible to each other, or rude to us. What would you have done if Isaac had chosen to continue provoking Naomi? I'm curious, because I'm CLUELESS, lol! I should be pretty clued-up on parenting small children by now, but apparently not.
Anyway, thank you for the book review, and I will order it and read it as soon as I get my hands on it! :)
Alice...SO funny that you should ask that! Because we dealt with this very thing today with Isaac! And trust me...I am JUST as clueless when it comes to that ugliness of heart. Today, it went something like this:
ReplyDeleteMe: "Isaac, you can choose to treat your sister with kindness or you can choose to be mean and spend some time alone in your room."
Isaac: "I want to be mean to her!"
Me: (in a very sad voice), "Really, bud? How do you think she will feel if you are mean to her?"
Isaac: "She'll feel sad or angry."
Me: "Probably so. And what do you think might happen if you keep being so mean to her?"
Isaac: "She won't want to play with me anymore."
Me: "I bet you're right. So what are you going to do about it?"
Isaac: "I'll just be mean for a little while."
LOL. Nice, huh? He actually stopped being rude for a little while so I didn't have to address it any further at that time. But later on, he continued antagonizing her, and I responded with: "Uh oh. Looks like you made a choice. Bummer. It's room time." And then I followed with, "Would you like to walk to your room slowly or race me up the stairs?" He opted to go as SLOOOOWLY as possible, which was silly and fun. But once he got there, I shut the door and asked him to think about better ways he can treat his sister. It was essentially a time-out (for about five minutes or so) and gave him the opportunity to take some time to wind down and think about his choices.
I have tried to stop asking him "Why?" when he does things, because we'll almost always get cheeky answers. :) But rather, I have been encouraged through this book to begin asking deeper, heart-probing questions, like: "How do you think they feel when you do that?" or "What's a different way that you could have handled that problem?" or "I can tell you're really frustrated right now, do you want to tell me about it?" These kiddos of ours are all little sinners trying to figure out this world just as much as we are. They want to feel in control and it's up to us to help them be in control of themselves...as we learn to control ourselves. :)
I will warn you, though...that this book may make you feel uncomfortable at first, as it did for me. It goes against SO many of the ways we've been brought up and taught. I have been so locked into a certain type of parenting that when I first began reading this book, it really shook the foundations of my philosophies on parenting (hence the paradigm shift that I mentioned in my post). But as I continued reading through the book, I felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. And it all began to really make sense to me. And the bottom line is that in just two days, our home looks and feels VERY different. We've still got a lot of work ahead of us to make the changes we want to see...but things are already better. :)
sweet! this is fantastic leslie! i had a counselor tell me about this book a couple years ago and actually said it's fantastic for non-parents too as you can apply it to your relationship with God and others...it's been on my reading list for awhile, looking forward to reading it! glad to see how it's rocking your world :)
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