Winning the Whining War

So I want to begin with a HUGE disclaimer: given that my two kiddos are only 3 and close to 2-years-old, I am still somewhat new to this whole being a mommy thing. But there are some things that I've been learning as I continue on this most challenging, utterly exhausting, sometimes terrifying, and other times amazingly joyful journey. I just wanted to share one little, but very important, lesson that I have learned over the years (working in the childcare, elementary school, and children's ministry settings...and now as a parent myself).

It has been a lesson that I am continuing to drive home to my own children, and it requires 100% commitment on my part. The lesson: We WILL NOT get what we want by whining or throwing a tantrum. I cannot tell you how many times I have used the phrase: "I'm sorry, but we don't get what we want by whining," to my son. When mommy says "no" I mean "NO." There have been a number of times that I have told Isaac "no" to something, and then wished later that I hadn't. But BECAUSE he began whining about it, I had to stand my ground.

I see SO many parents give in to this behavior. Why? Well duh...to stop the annoying screams of their obnoxious children! Their children have learned that the louder they scream...the bigger tantrum they throw...that their parents will get so frustrated and finally give in. I URGE you, friends...DO NOT do this!! It only exacerbates the very behavior that annoys you so much. You are allowing them to manipulate you. They have learned what buttons to push...and push them regularly. I get it...you want them to stop the whining. But what you don't realize is that by giving in to it, you are teaching them that whining is the very way to go about getting what they really want. My kids know that the moment they begin whining, it will be a GUARANTEED no-win for them. Now I am reasonable, and I can and have changed my mind in a situation.

Here is a good example of this in action: Isaac sees some of his friends getting gummy fruit snacks for a snack. At home, we reserve these like candy and use them for special incentives. He asks if he can have some, to which I say, "I know your friends are eating those right now, sweetie. But mommy has your snack right here. Maybe we can have some of those when we get home later." At this point he has a choice. And at his age, 8 times out of 10, he responds by pouting, followed by whining. And then the reminder: "Oh, bummer. We don't get what we want by whining. But if you want to use words, I'd be happy to listen to you." He will re-ask his original question, usually still in somewhat of a whiny voice, "Can I PLEASE have some of THOSE?" Then my response is usually something like, "Mommy said that we're not eating that right now. But if you'd like a snack, this is what we have." Half the time he accepts this and will be fine with the situation. The other half, he presses harder and grows more irritated. If he persists or starts to escalate into what could become a tantrum, I calmly ask him if he'd like to take some time out to calm down (before he's actually throwing a tantrum). This helps him realize that he has a choice to keep pressing the issue and end up receiving an unpleasant consequence, or drop it and enjoy what he's been given.

Now this is a situation in which I totally could have (and probably would have) changed my mind after my initial decision to say "no." After seeing that ALL of the other children were enjoying these fruit snacks, it would have been reasonable for me to allow him to join them. But given his whiny response, it guaranteed that I could not change my mind. Sure, I found myself wishing I would have just said "yes" in the first place. But since he threw a fit about it, I had no choice but to stand my ground.

But this is where SO many parents, in my opinion, lose their ground. They waiver and change their mind after their child has whined, pushed, or even thrown a complete fit. But what does that teach the child? That mommy can and usually WILL change her mind if they just get louder. Isaac may not be happy with his mommy at that very moment. But I tell you what - my kids are going to know and respect my word. And I've already seen the fruit of this labor, as we've experienced very few all-out tantrums. Because my kids KNOW that it gets them nothing.

Now DO NOT get me wrong here. They are kids...toddlers even. They still have their "moments." They get on my last nerve most days. :) And yes...they still whine...for now anyway. But my hope is that by my unwavering commitment to teach them that I mean what I say and that I will NEVER...NOT EVER...give in to their whining, that they will learn early on how to communicate respectfully to me and others. I am already seeing fewer and fewer whiny responses out of Isaac. It's definitely starting to click for him.

Anyway...I just wanted to challenge all of my mommy (and daddy) friends out there. Do you have whiny kids? Have you ever given them what they wanted while (or even just after) they've whined for it? It's definitely easier to do it that way...but SO annoying. I challenge you to join me in having ZERO tolerance for whining/tantrums. Sure...it's gonna be hard work. But gosh...it will SO pay off in the end!! :)

I welcome any comments on this! What do y'all think? Am I way off here? You read my disclaimer: I'm still new at this!! :) And I definitely do not have all the answers. Hehe. I would also love to hear from anyone who wants to chime in with their own experiences. How are YOU dealing with whining?? :)