I'm not really sure what I am wanting to write at this moment. I just know that I have a lot on my mind/heart and need to process it...and I process through writing. :) I've been struggling some lately with my chosen profession. And by profession, I mean our choice to have me stay at home to raise our children. I know it's what I am "supposed" to do. And deep down it IS what I want to do. But there are days that I just get so stinkin worn out and tired and give in to daydreaming about other things that I could be doing with my life.
This stay-at-home mommy thing is no cup of tea. It's hard work. Exhausting. And thankless. I don't get recognized for most of what I do. Yet. I keep holding on to the hope that some day I will. :) I see so many other moms who choose to work outside of the home. Some of them part-time, and others full-time. They have lives. Professional lives. Using their education, skills, and talents to make a difference in the lives of others. I know some moms who have gone back to school to earn another degree and to explore a new profession. It all sounds so wonderful...so adventurous. And my life just feels so...stuck.
I have days that I truly do love being at home with my children. I really do. I love that I don't have to wake up early (earlier than I already do) and get ready to leave the house for work every morning. I'm thankful that I haven't missed a single milestone of any of my children...and Lord willing, I won't. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I enjoy the challenges of finding fun things to do with my kids, of engaging them in activities that will stretch their imaginations, and teaching them all about this world we live in. I love being able to take naps in the middle of the day if I choose, and being able to hang out with other mommy friends while the kiddos play. I enjoy watching them grow up right before my very eyes.
But why? Why ON EARTH is my heart feeling so dissatisfied? Why am I coveting with others have? Why do I feel restless and...stuck? Why do I feel like I am missing out on something better? Or that I need something else to fulfill me? But when I entertain these daydreams of going back to work, and leaving my young children with someone else full time, my heart breaks. That's not what I want. I don't know what I want. The problem is in my heart. I have been blessed with SO much in my life. And yet here I am...wanting MORE.
Lord, forgive me for coveting what others have! Please help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU. Our fulfillment should not come from what we do in this life...but rather, from who YOU are and what You've done for us! You have called me to this place. I am right where You want me. Help my little heart be content, Lord. I want to honor You with my life. Keep my heart from wandering...from wanting something that is not for me. And please give me the strength to do the work that You've called me to do. Give me peace and understanding. And reignite a passion within me for this wonderful "job" you've given me. These children belong to You, Lord. And I am thankful to have this time with them...to train them and teach them...and to LOVE them. God, how I love these kids!! Thank You for entrusting them to me! And thank You for giving me everything that I need to be their mommy and teacher. YOU, Lord, are truly all I need. Fill me up, that I may overflow with Your love and grace. You are SO good to me, Lord. Thank You!
This stay-at-home mommy thing is no cup of tea. It's hard work. Exhausting. And thankless. I don't get recognized for most of what I do. Yet. I keep holding on to the hope that some day I will. :) I see so many other moms who choose to work outside of the home. Some of them part-time, and others full-time. They have lives. Professional lives. Using their education, skills, and talents to make a difference in the lives of others. I know some moms who have gone back to school to earn another degree and to explore a new profession. It all sounds so wonderful...so adventurous. And my life just feels so...stuck.
I have days that I truly do love being at home with my children. I really do. I love that I don't have to wake up early (earlier than I already do) and get ready to leave the house for work every morning. I'm thankful that I haven't missed a single milestone of any of my children...and Lord willing, I won't. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I enjoy the challenges of finding fun things to do with my kids, of engaging them in activities that will stretch their imaginations, and teaching them all about this world we live in. I love being able to take naps in the middle of the day if I choose, and being able to hang out with other mommy friends while the kiddos play. I enjoy watching them grow up right before my very eyes.
But why? Why ON EARTH is my heart feeling so dissatisfied? Why am I coveting with others have? Why do I feel restless and...stuck? Why do I feel like I am missing out on something better? Or that I need something else to fulfill me? But when I entertain these daydreams of going back to work, and leaving my young children with someone else full time, my heart breaks. That's not what I want. I don't know what I want. The problem is in my heart. I have been blessed with SO much in my life. And yet here I am...wanting MORE.
Lord, forgive me for coveting what others have! Please help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU. Our fulfillment should not come from what we do in this life...but rather, from who YOU are and what You've done for us! You have called me to this place. I am right where You want me. Help my little heart be content, Lord. I want to honor You with my life. Keep my heart from wandering...from wanting something that is not for me. And please give me the strength to do the work that You've called me to do. Give me peace and understanding. And reignite a passion within me for this wonderful "job" you've given me. These children belong to You, Lord. And I am thankful to have this time with them...to train them and teach them...and to LOVE them. God, how I love these kids!! Thank You for entrusting them to me! And thank You for giving me everything that I need to be their mommy and teacher. YOU, Lord, are truly all I need. Fill me up, that I may overflow with Your love and grace. You are SO good to me, Lord. Thank You!
"But why? Why ON EARTH is my heart feeling so dissatisfied? Why am I coveting with others have? Why do I feel restless and...stuck? Why do I feel like I am missing out on something better? Or that I need something else to fulfill me?"
ReplyDeleteBecause, you are in the trenches - the hardest part. Three children aged 3 and under is a major hard job, and there's not much to compare to it! You are also pretty newly postpartum. You have a LOT on your plate right now, and it's the kind of LOT which you can't see past, it's like a fog. For now. Fog always lifts, seasons always change. Your feelings are so normal, and totally okay to have and to work through.
The hardest part is when we naturally seek escape! Your post reminded me of the Israelites when they were led out of Egypt. They hit a really really hard stage, they'd been going a while and the initial joy and thrill of the exodus from Egypt was fading. They were in a desert with no visible sign of it ever ending, or food or water. God provided, but I guess not what they were craving - just enough. Just what they needed at that exact day, no more. That must have become monotonous day after day, and hard to embrace and just go with it thankfully. WHEN is it ever going to change?!! They started to yearn for the days in Egypt when they had meat and all sorts of luxuries, despite their oppression there - all that seemed to fade in their memories as they remembered the good stuff, the stuff they were missing right now.
I can't actually remember how it resolved for them without going to my Bible to check (must keep a Bible in the kitchen!), but I guess they had a lesson to learn, and were reminded to trust God and accept His little-by-little to get them through this stage, at this time.
It's so hard, Leslie - I know it is! Looking ahead in seasons like this is not always helpful, though it's the natural thing to do (keeping my head in the HARD HARD day I'm on is suffocating sometimes!). All I know to offer in terms of advice is just to cry out to God. Make Him FIRST - first of all. Fall upon the Rock, and He will provide you with the manna and water you need for the day you're on. KNOW that the season will change, and the blessings way way more obvious and exhilarating than the current season (though I know you already see the blessings of this one). You won't always wonder about being away from home. You won't always do a thankless task. You'll learn more and more as the years pass to parent for God's approval (I don't mean to imply that you haven't "got" this yet, I'm just saying about myself really - a work in progress), and get your satisfaction in Him, on the hard days as well as they easier days.
I am going to pray for you. I know it's a hard season! Galatians 6:9 helps me tons in this kind of moment - "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Good stuff for the homeschooling, tired-out mama of many small children!
((((hugs)))) You're doing a GREAT job.